Category: Feeling the love

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Please and Thank You, Really Are the Magic Words!

Communication, what does that mean to you?  Talking, well of course.  But how many of us talk about nothing?  Is that wasted communication?

I remember when Buddy first got diagnosed.  All of the professionals, told us “Don’t waste words… please, thank you, excuse me…these are all wasted words”.   I was instructed to speak to Buddy in short, direct sentences.  “Use your fork.”  “Give me the crayon.”  According to those that went to school to be autism experts, this was the only way to communicate with my non-verbal son.

But the mother in me never listened to this suggestion.  My son, not only hears these words, but I know that he understands them.

How do I know?  When Buddy wants something (very badly) he will kiss my cheek.  If we are visiting somewhere and he is ready to go home, he will hand me my purse and kiss my cheek.  If he wants his TV turned on, he will hand me his remote (or every remote in the house, if I ignore his initial request) and kiss my cheek.  This is his way of saying “Please, Mom”   We both understand the importance of that “wasted” word.

So how does my non-verbal son communicate?  I am sure you have seen the picture cards…they look like stick figure art…(think road signs, or restroom signs), or actual photos of objects, well, Buddy doesn’t use them with me.   Sign language?…Buddy can sign “More”  but that’s about all he picked up.

So, okay, how do we communicate with each other?

Ha, ha…very well.   Buddy understands most of what I say. Even if he pretends that he doesn’t.

For example, when we leave the house in the mornings, I give him instructions.  It’s usually something like “We need to turn off the lights, and then I need, Mommy’s purse, Mommy’s keys, Mommy’s lunch and Mommy’s bag.”  As he completes one of the instructions, I repeat the request, without the part that he fulfilled.  Very rarely, do I need to point to any of these.

Okay, so HE understands ME, but how does HE communicate his wants/needs TO ME?

He is very creative and smart.  As I said, if he wants to leave, he hands me my purse.

If he wants his TV on, he hands me his remote.

If he hands me the “cookie dipping cup”, I know he wants milk to dip his cookies.

If he hands me the nail clippers, and sticks his finger in my face, I know he has a torn nail.

If he removes his shirt (immediately after I put it on him) and tosses it in the coat closet and slams the door…I know he doesn’t want to wear that shirt…and may never wear it again.

If he pulls me to the sink and turns on the water, he wants me to help him wash his hands.

If he hands me a cereal bowl, box of cereal and milk…yup, he wants cereal.

If he hands me a bowl, caramel syrup, and directs me to the freezer…Bud E. Boy, gets a bowl of ice cream with caramel topping.

If we are in the car and he pushes my shoulder, he wants the song/station changed. BUT if he gently taps that same shoulder…he wants the volume turned up.  (how cleaver is that?!)

If he hands me a ripped CD/DVD picture and the tape…yup, you guessed it…he wants me to tape it back together.

Now, keep in mind, it has taken several years for us to learn this.  But it’s quite ingenious of Buddy, to figure out his side of the conversation.

Many times, he has tried to get me to understand, only for me to say “Buddy, I’m sorry, I don’t understand, you have to show me.”  And generally, that results in him getting a little frustrated, but then he discovers another way to get me to comprehend his thoughts.

I remember several years ago, I had a horrible case of laryngitis.  I spent 3 days writing everything down.  It was very frustrating to not be able to speak, and if I didn’t write things down, oftentimes, the other person, had no clue what I was trying to get across to them.

So I think it’s utterly amazing, that Buddy has figured out how to communicate with me.

Oh, I forgot one, my all time favorite…when Buddy pulls me to him,  guides my arms around his back, and hugs me tight (not letting me go)…it means “I love you Mom, you’re my favorite!”   Most parents hear “I love you”…but I FEEL it!

There are NO wasted words!

~ASM

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It’s all about the dance

Buddy loves his music, he will find a song that he likes, and play it continuously for days…weeks and months.

He has several favorite songs, but he will usually favor one tune to play the life out of.   Thankfully, we have the same taste in artist/songs.  Unfortunately, this means that several of my CDs have been pilfered and what was once mine, has become his…that is, until he breaks the CD or scratches it beyond repair.

When the inevitable happens, he brings the remains of the disc to me to fix.  Which, sometimes I can, but more often than not,  I have to slip it out of his sight, until it can be safely tossed under something gross in the trash.

Several month ago, Buddy and I started attending a dance, and I requested one of his songs.  I pulled him to the dance floor and wrapped my arms around his waist and we swayed to the music.  This has become “our thing”.   It is known that we dance to this song  at each dance.  He even knows it.  And he seems to like it as much as I do.

Lately, he has been listening to Elvis “I Can’t Help Falling In Love With You”.  This evening I went into his room and it was quiet.  I discovered that the CD was broken.  I know how much Bud loves this song, so I did what any good mother would do, and I burnt him a new CD of Elvis tunes.

When I put it in his player, he grinned ear to ear and pushed the “next” button to hear 3 second snippets of each song.  I helped him to find his favorite, but he he kept pushing the button for more snippets.   I told him to wait and listen to the songs, as I took over the button pushing.   I stopped at all the songs and sang a little bit and he would reach for me to push it again.  I finally stopped on “Return to Sender” and he let me sing a bit as he giggled.  Since he was standing, I grabbed him and made him dance with me.  (cuz, I’m the mom and that’s what moms do)  After a minute or so, I left the room so he could enjoy his music without me ruining it for him.

About an hour later I walked by his room and he is playing “Return to Sender”.  I tell him that it’s time for bed and he needs to turn it off.  He then grabs me, pulls me to him, wraps my arms around his waist and puts his arms around my shoulders.  I say “Okay Buddy, Mom will dance with you”.  We danced for several minutes, only stopping long enough for him to push the rewind button after the chorus.   Each time that I tried to pull away, he pulled closer.  Each time I said “C’mon Bud, it’s bedtime” he’d push the button again.

I don’t know if he thought he was getting away with staying up, by dancing with me, of if he was letting me know how much he appreciated me making him a new CD.   But either way…

It’s all about the dance.

~ASM

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Things that I have learned, being a autism mom.

I have learned a lot in my nearly 24 years, at being an autism mom.

I have learned that my son can find the correct button to work the DVD player in his room, to find the exact part of the video that he wants to watch.  Even if it is a totally different player than he had the day before.

I have learned that I cannot sneak a bowl of ice cream, to eat by myself…the unwritten rule is: all desserts on Mom’s plate must be shared equally with the boy, or you will be required to refill the empty plate until the boy has satisfactorily gotten his share.

Cookies of all kinds must be accompanied by a cup of milk…in the dedicated “milk cup”.

If Magic Shell is found in the pantry, (that mom has forgotten was there) ice cream will have to be also found, or added to the grocery list.

Pasta must have grated cheese and bread to be eaten.

If items are hidden, no one is allowed to mention the location of said item, if the boy is within 50 yards of the conversation.

I have learned the power of counting to 3.  I rarely get past the number 2, before I see him responding.

Singing silly songs will make the boy smile, allowing for a tooth brush to enter his mouth for as long as the song lasts. And singing the Barney song, will get a kiss and a hug every time!

Pretending that you are clueless gets him to figure out how to communicate his wants and needs.

I have learned that the boy understands most everything we say to him, however, like most kids…he ignores me.

I have learned that he thinks he is outsmarting me, especially when he does something he isn’t supposed to, while covering himself with a blanket…”The cloak of invisibility has no power here, Son”.

I have learned that the boy understands, and if you want something, you have to ask nicely, by kissing your mother on the cheek to say “please”.

And most of all, I have learned that you don’t have to have words to make someone feel loved.  One hug from the boy, says “I love you, Momma” louder than 100 PA systems at a rock concert.

~ASM